Oliver Anthony Breaks Taylor Swift’s Concert Attendance Record “Without Even Trying”
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Oliver Anthony Breaks Taylor Swift’s Concert Attendance Record “Without Even Trying”

Move over, Taylor Swift. There’s a new sheriff in town, and he goes by the name of Oliver Anthony. His latest gig, which was as secret as a ninja until the day before, smashed all attendance records set by Taylor Swift’s much-hyped but overrated “Eras Tour.”

“It was nothing short of spectacular,” gushed concert promoter Joe Barron, “We transitioned from Ted Nugent’s Chili Cookoff on Saturday to a sea of nearly a million people swarming the fairground on Sunday. Ted was thrilled to be part of it, though a tad red-faced.”

“I owe it all to Ted Nugent,” Anthony confessed to the crowd, “Without his invite, none of you would have had the chance to savor his prize-winning canned whitetail chili.” Anthony then offered a prayer, read a passage from Ezekiel 7, and belted out his two songs.

The crowd, in their excitement, hadn’t given a thought about their exit strategy, and local authorities suspect some might be marooned near the event’s epicenter for weeks, or even months. “With winter on the horizon,” warned Journalisticator Tara Newhole, “We might have to resort to airdropping supplies to these poor souls.”

Newhole confessed that she hadn’t seen such a sea of overalls since Sacha Baron Cohen had all the country folks crooning “Wuhan Flu.”

Anthony, who’s right in the thick of things, has taken the bull by the horns, declared martial law, and put a stop to all food stamps for those who could fend for themselves if they weren’t on the brink of starvation and heading towards a dystopian nightmare.

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