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Ohtani signs the Dodgers for $700 million, will receive $58 million after California taxes

In a landmark development, baseball prodigy Shohei Ohtani signed an unparalleled $700 million deal with the Los Angeles Dodgers, leaving him with an estimated $58 after accounting for taxes.

Expressing his delight with the monumental signing, Ohtani stated, “I’m ecstatic to have secured the largest contract in baseball history. I’m grateful that the Dodgers value me at $700 million, though post-tax calculations suggest I can treat myself to two full-sized sandwiches at Jimmy John’s. I’m eager to finally try the Italian Night Club.”

Regarded as one of the most talented players in baseball history, Ohtani will receive an annual salary of $70 million for the next decade. Commentator Bob Costas noted, “After taxes, that’s roughly six bucks per year, so Ohtani might have to wait a couple of years to indulge in a full-sized sandwich. Opting for a ‘Little John’ sandwich might be feasible right away. However, if he adds ‘Jimmy Chips’ and a drink, we’re looking at a three-year wait at best.”

Despite skepticism about the Dodgers committing such a hefty sum to one player, the front office defended the decision. Dodgers’ controlling owner Mark Walter stated, “Shohei Ohtani is undeniably a once-in-a-generation talent. While $700 million is an astronomical figure, our commitment was to ensure that, post-tax, Ohtani could fulfill his childhood dream of enjoying a Jimmy Pickle. Today marks the realization of that dream.”

In an unexpected twist, Ohtani found himself homeless following California’s announcement of a one-hundred-percent tax on individuals earning more than $10 million annually. However, it’s important to note that while California does have high tax rates, there has been no official announcement of a one-hundred-percent tax on individuals earning more than $10 million annually. This appears to be a humorous exaggeration. In reality, the top tax rate in California is 13.3% for individuals earning more than $1 million.

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